


Attack of the TV Sets

by Ellynne



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 13:49:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5628847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellynne/pseuds/Ellynne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The residents of the Enchanted Forest have just seen the TV show, Once Upon a Time, and they're not happy.</p><p>Warning: Hook and Regina are the bad guys. If you're a Hook or Regina fan, you may not want to read this. Really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Attack of the TV Sets

As the ending credits began to roll, Rumplestiltskin turned off the blue-ray player (he’d already had to answer questions about how he even had a blue-ray player in the Dark Castle as if, just because Grumpy had had to hook up a crystal ball to an old VCR player to watch Star Wars, the Dark One should have similar problems).

He looked around and cast a few more clean-up spells.  There’d been a lot of gagging, especially on this last episode.  Emma, at least, wasn’t looking green anymore, just murderous.

“All right,” Rumplestiltskin said. “Did anyone notice some general trends from season to season?”

“You mean besides the writers having a death wish?” Emma said.

“Yes, Emma, besides that.” At a meeting of this importance, Rumplestiltskin would have preferred more formality, but Emma had insisted he use her first name ever since she and Bae got married. As she said, they were family now—and, in the real world, unlike certain television shows, that meant something.

Robin Hood was one of the ones still looking green.  “Did I completely misunderstand that, or did they just have me go off to the Underworld and leave Roland and Pistachio behind?”

“I don’t think her name’s Pistachio, Robin.”

“Why not? It sounds like a good name.  It was the only thing in the episode I didn’t hate.”

“Do you even know what a pistachio is?”

“Some kind of plant, isn’t it?  People name children after plants all the time, Rose, Violet, Hazel, Mugwort. . . .”

“Trust me, you don’t want to name a baby that.  And, yes, the final episode has you leaving Roland and . . . the baby with a sitter while you trot off to the Underworld.  If your sitter charges by the hour, you might have to rob from a great many rich to pay off the bill when you get back.”

“And they had me do that even though there’s a wicked witch who might come back from Oz at any moment with an army of flying monkeys to steal the baby?  And who already tried to kill my son?  What kind of father does that?”

“A very bad one who should have his head examined and probably only have contact with his children when there’s a responsible adult present to make sure they all stay alive,” Rumplestiltskin said. “Try to remember, Robin. This was only a work of fiction.  Now, getting back to some of the major trends—”

“And they had me dating _Regina_.  The woman’s killed thousands more innocent peasants than the Sheriff of Nottingham, and they had me _dating_ her.”

“How do you think I feel?” Tinkerbelle said. “They had me tell her to cheat on her husband and run off with some random guy I pointed out to her in a bar!  And, then, I told her some guy she never met had his life had been ruined because she’d never gone out with him.  What kind of idiot even believes that?”

“One with a very large ego,” Rumplestiltskin said. “Now, getting back to my point—”

“And, she killed Marian,” Robin said. “I started dating her back when I would have thought she killed Marian.  Then, she spent all her time whining about how it ruined her life that Marian _wasn’t_ dead.  What kind of man would go near a woman who did that?  And why would I let her near Roland?  ‘Oh, here you go, Son, let the woman who iced your mum buy you some ice cream.’ What kind of monster do they think I am?”

“Apparently, the same kind who locks up his son with his corpse-sicle mother and makes out with his wife’s murderer in tomb while the body is just a few feet away.”

“I think I’m going to be sick.”

“You’re going to be sick?” Emma said. “Did you see what they did to me?  I was dating _Hook_.  The guy tried to murder me and my mother.   He helped murder a whole town of refugees and tried to blow up Storybrooke.  He kidnapped Henry, makes rape jokes, and never changed his clothes the entire time I knew him.  And I was _dating_ him.”

“Oy, could be worse, love,” Will Scarlet said. “Did you see how many times he beat me up?  Like I didn’t even know how to make a fist.  And, insult to injury, I had to make do with your used pop tarts.  No offense, but are you up to date on all your shots?  Should I be seeing Dr. Whale about anything?”

“I never ate your pop tarts,” Emma said. “I never locked you up.  And I’d kick Hook’s smelly butt into next week if I caught him threatening to kill witnesses if they talked to me.”

“Well, that’s the whole point of threatening witnesses, ain’t it? To make sure they don’t go telling the pop tart stealing sheriff anything.”

“It didn’t happen.”

“You sure? Did you see how often those people got hit with amnesia?  Maybe you spat all over a whole box of my pop tarts.  You just don’t remember it.”

“If it will make you feel better, Mr. Scarlet,” Rumplestiltskin said. “I’ve already cast several spells to check for timeline and memory alterations.  Even if the mere thought of Emma dating Hook wasn’t an affront to nature, I can assure you, we haven’t forgotten anything.”

“What if you’re wrong?”

“Then, the show’s right and you nearly killed me—and everyone in Storybrooke—by stealing that heart potion.  And dated my wife.”

“Oh. Right.  No amnesia at all then.  My memory feels great.  Who’s up for a round of Jeopardy?”

“Speaking of memory,” Emma said. “Did anyone know Regina had a sister?”

“She doesn’t,” Rumplestiltskin said. “Now, back to the different seasons—”

“You’re sure?”

“Quite sure. I kept a close eye on these things. There is no sister.”

“So, no flying monkeys are going to be coming after Henry or Roland?”

“Not that work for her.  As I was saying—”

“Hey, why’s Hook so smelly, anyway?” Will asked.

“You ever been to Neverland?” Bae said. “The only people living there are teenage boys who do nothing but fight and play all day.  The whole island smells like a boys’ locker room.  What I want to know is why they had that guy playing me.  Wasn’t he a vampire on HBO?”

“Probably a friend of the actress who played Maleficent,” Rumplestiltskin said. “The point is—”

“Everybody else got people who looked like them.  Why couldn’t they get someone who looked like me?”

“I’m getting to that. In the first season—”

“At least, he acted like you,” Robin said. “Did you see mine?  A man shows up in his dead son’s home, and I kick him out.  He has a heart attack, and I tell him to cart away his son’s stuff when he’s out on the street.  Who was writing this?”

“At least, you weren’t mooning over a serial killer,” Emma said.

“Actually, I was.” He shuddered. “She killed the last guy she dated when he tried to move on.  Why would I do that?”

“Excuse me,” Rumplestiltskin said. “Could you people FOCUS? Bad writing is not the problem.  Or, it’s only part of the problem.  You, Leroy, what did you think of the first season?  Was it accurate?”

“Well, except for the bit where they had me locked up in George’s dungeon. That wasn’t for stealing diamonds.  George claimed I didn’t have proper paperwork for transporting magic dust, but he was actually trying to put financial pressure on the Dwarf Elders because of some trade disputes with—”

“In other words, they cut ten minutes of boring explanation and stuck in something that foreshadowed a later episode.  They did that in a few other spots, too, simplifying things, adding fight scenes, and making events a bit more dramatic. That’s what TV is all about.  But, did anyone spot any major inaccuracies in season one?”

There were murmurs of “No,” and “Not really.”  Rumplestiltskin went on.

“What about the second season?  Did you start noticing problems there?”

“I was never engaged to Tamara,” Bae said. “We didn’t even date.”

“We weren’t dumb enough to let Regina wander all over town casting spells,” Emma said.  “That only happened after her mother broke her out.”

“And what was with all that ‘poor me’ whining she did?” Bae asked.

“Yeah,” Grumpy said. “It was all, ‘Oh, boohoo, I haven’t killed anyone for over a week and, still, nobody likes me.’ What was her problem?”

“I wasn’t falling apart over killing Cora,” Snow said. “I wouldn’t have done it if there’d been an alternative, but she was about to murder Gold and become the new Dark One.  She was a sociopathic mass murderer without the curse. What do you think she’d have been like with it?”

“You said it, sister,” Grumpy said. “Regina’s mommy issues ain’t your problem. The woman on the show’s even more mental than the real one.”

Will said, “But, you gotta admit, her plan to blow up the town on the show wasn’t anywhere near as dumb the one she actually tried.”

“What do you mean?” Grumpy said. “The show said she had a self-destruct button for the town.  How stupid do you have to be to have a self-destruct button for the place you live in? And have it guarded by someone you know is already dead?”

“Oh, the self-destruct button was stupid. But, _using_ it wasn’t.”

“Yeah, but losing it to Greg and Tamara was so dumb it makes a brick look smart.”

“You got me there.  But, in real life, she didn’t lose it, did she?  She went ahead with her plan, trying to rig a doomsday device with the magic beans.”

“The only person who was in any danger from that was Gold,” Emma said, reddening at the memory.  “Remember how we ran into his shop, all panicked that Regina was going to destroy the town?  When, we told him her plan, he laughed so hard, I thought he was going to choke.” Her expression darkened.  “If Hook hadn’t used the distraction to run off with Henry and sell him to Pan while Regina’s back was turned, the only thing it would be good for was an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos.”

“So, in the second season,” Rumplestiltskin said, determined to get through this. “They start out more or less telling the right story. Regina’s running around loose in Storybrooke, but it’s a TV show. You need a villain on the loose. However, that’s also when they start telling us to be more sympathetic to Regina.  They had Bae played by an actor who looked a bit worse than he does and Hook played by an actor who looked a bit better and who likely owned a bar of soap and wasn’t afraid to use it. 

“By the end of the season, though, they were making radical changes.  They have Greg and Tamara torture Regina and try to destroy the town while Regina tries to stop it.  Hook decides to try and save Henry—and the rest of the town—instead of saving his own skin and selling him to Pan.

“In the third season—”

“Did you really try to kiss your dad’s shadow?” Grumpy asked. “And would that have been like kissing your dad, or—”

“The shadow was separate,” Rumplestiltskin grated. “And I did _not_ need Regina’s help to see it wasn’t Belle.  Although, it fits a trend on the show.  The point I’m trying to make—”

“So, none of that Zelena stuff happened in the third season?  Snow and everybody else didn’t leave the guy who’d died to save them locked up in a cage and only stop by when they needed him to do something for them?  I mean, I like Snow, and I thought that was cold.”

“Yeah,” Will said. “Bloody hell, if a friend of mine’s locked up in a nut house run by a bunch of sickos wanting to do all sorts of disgusting things to her, I break her out.  Or I tried to.  Actually, the hard part was getting her to want to be broken out.  After that, she took care of most of the guards herself.  What kind of people do you have ruling this kingdom?”

“Better ones than that,” Rumplestiltskin said. “But, notice that the people writing the show didn’t think about these thing. They don’t think about mass murder or adultery or people being tortured and enslaved.  Emma, you used to make a living by tracking down people who didn’t want to be found.  You had to learn how they thought and what sort of things they would do that would get them caught.  If you only had this show to go by, what would you think about the writers?”

“Uh, they’re crazy?  Or. . . .” She started to think about it.  “They don’t have compassion or empathy, not for most of the characters.  Like Robin said, they had him go to a man who’d just had a heart attack and kick him out of his dead son’s apartment with a box of his son’s things he had nowhere to put.  Forget being homeless, how were you even supposed to carry it and hold onto your cane at the same time?  That was just sick.  The only people they care about. . . .”  She stopped.  “OK, Gold, what’s going on?  The only people they care about are Hook and Regina.  Regina gets everyone saying what a nice person she is even when she’s ripping out Belle’s heart to control her.  Hook tried to send my whole family to the Underworld in the last episode, and my character is blackmailing you to go save him—Hey, and, Gold, just to say it?  If I ever think you’ve gone evil, you better believe I’m warning Belle.  I don’t care how many dead boyfriends you offer to get back for me.  She’s hearing everything.”

“Believe me, Emma, if you ever feel the need to warn Belle that I’ve gone too far, that’s exactly what you should do.  But, you see it don’t you?  What’s happened on the show?”

“Wait a sec,” Grumpy said. “I think I get what you’re saying, but what did Frozen have to do with any of this?  There’s no Arendelle in our world, is there?”

“Of course, not. That was just trying to cash in on the movie,” Rumplestiltskin says.

“Good.  Those stone trolls creep me out.”

“Oh, those we have.  They just aren’t in Arendelle.  But, the show went through four phases.  At first, it was fairly accurate with just the kind of tweaks and changes you’d expect from a television show, making some things a bit simpler and adding more action.  The second season started out fairly accurate, but the casting choices seemed to be setting up Hook to be more popular than Bae.  They  also began to try to make the audience more sympathetic towards Regina and Hook even though they didn’t think twice about showing their involvement in mass murder. 

“Towards the end of the third season, they weren’t even attempting to be accurate.  But, at this point, they still tried to make them _do_ things that were sympathetic.  Hook joined the heroes and was the person Bae turned to so he could send a message to Emma—”

“Oh, yeah, like that would ever happen,” Bae said. “I know giant squids I’d ask for help before him.”

“The point is they actually had him doing some good things.  By the fourth and fifth season, that’s not happening. He’s blackmailing people and threatening to kill them to get what he wants.  Regina rips out hearts and whines when one of her murder victims shows up alive.  Oh, and they made up a ridiculous story about Snow and David kidnapping Maleficent’s daughter—before you ask, no, there isn’t any Lily—a story that also makes Emma less of a hero since it says she never _chose_ to do the right thing, she just lacked the ability to do evil.”

Emma nodded.  “You’re saying the show got taken over by someone who loves Hook and Regina.  Whoever this person is, they keep telling us Regina and Hook are good guys, but they write stories where the two of them go around killing whoever they like and collecting serial killer trophies.”

“Wait, we’re not back to the author story, are we?” Grumpy said. “’Cause, that never made any sense.”

“No, Leroy,” Rumplestiltskin said. “There isn’t any author.  That was just Regina coming up with another excuse to blame someone else for her problems.  We’re talking about who’s writing this show.  Hook and Regina must have found out about it after the first season and begun to take over.  Right now, they’ve tried to turn it into a program about how wonderful Hook is and how Regina’s a misunderstood hero Robin Hood fell in love with—Robin, try not to throw up on my clean floor again.  It’s not that bad.  Yet.”

“Yet,” Will Scarlet said. “Yeah, I was afraid of that.  Why is there always a ‘yet’?”

“It’s not as bad as it could be,” Rumplestiltskin assured them again. “Yet.  Fortunately, I believe our friends tipped their hand as to their intentions.  There isn’t an author—yet.  Emma, do you remember what the Hatter told you about magical solutions?”

“Everyone wants some magical solution to their problem, and everyone. . . .” He could see the dawning realization in her eyes. “. . . .refuses to believe in magic.  Belief.  That’s what Regina and Hook are trying to do.  They’re trying to get enough people to believe in their version of this world.  They’re trying to change it, aren’t they?  They want to turn this world into the one on the show.”

“Wait,” Robin said. “A world where I’m dating Regina?  Somebody, get me a bucket—”

“It's possible they won't have the energy to _completely_ rewrite our world. Regina may have to make do with just getting back to our world and tweaking a few things, like becoming queen again.  Of course, if she gets your heart, Robin, you’ll be in the same boat the Huntsman was.  But, other than that—”

“Will,” Robin said desperately. “Do you have a way to Wonderland? Or Neverland? Or any land, so long as it doesn’t have Regina in it?”

“Sure, mate, but it’ll cost you. . . .”

“I have a better idea,” Rumplestiltskin said. “Let’s stop them before it becomes a problem.

“Now, the ratings are already down—apparently, Robin isn’t the only person who has trouble swallowing some of this—but the remainder is probably made up of more true believers.  Instead of waiting for Regina and Hook to kill their supply of belief on their own, I have some other ideas.  The simplest is that we track them down in the World Without Magice and take care of them.”

“We’re heroes, Rumplestiltskin,” Emma objected. “We don’t do that.”

“I’d do it,” Robin said. “Just give me an arrow and point me at them.”

“Sorry, love,” Will told her. “But, I’m not a hero and I’m voting with Robin.  Just get me an arrow—or a semi-automatic.”

“You had me at ‘kill Regina,’” Grumpy said.

“That’s not what he said,” Emma countered. "He said 'take care of them.' That doesn't mean we have to kill them."

“Poe-tay-toe, poe-tah-toe.”

“Sorry, Emma,” Bae said. “I’m with them.”

“You’re just saying that because she killed you off.”

“Well, yeah, there’s that.  If she makes her world real, I’ve got some major problems in it.  And you’ll be dating Hook.”

“Oh. Right.  OK, I know some gun sellers who could get us outfitted.  Just let me make some calls.”

“Not to interrupt the bloodbath,” Rumplestiltskin said. “But there are some other things we may want to do as well, just to be safe.  First, I think it would be a good idea to break whatever spell Regina has the writers under.  If that fails, we could try putting them under a new spell. Or get new writers.  But, there’s something even more important we can do.  We can fight belief with belief.  We need to drown that world with alternate stories, stories so good everyone will reject Regina and Hook’s version.”

“How do we do that?”

Rumplestiltskin smiled evilly.  “Fanfiction, dearie, lots and lots of fanfiction.”


End file.
